Aston Villa v Manchester United: Updates, team news and who really knows, it might not be that predictable

I'm sober. Not had a beer yet and this is why we're football fans and why as customers we are even more loyal than an Apple customer. In fact, I don't think there is any customer as loyal as a football fan. You wont find a bookmaker in the country that thinks we can win today but there are people all over the world sitting down discussing how it is possible, if we do this and do that.

But we have to expect a spanking today. If we go into this expecting a spanking and it doesn't happen, are you going to be disappointed. Okay, we might still lose but if we're not spanked, it's a bonus right?

And if we're not spanked and if we don't lose, then you're also going to be happy. So here it is; some would be happy to lose today as long as we don't get spanked. We're more loyal than Apple customers who went out and bought that phone when if you held it a certain way the phone didn't work or those that put the phone in their pocket and it bent. They got the phone fixed or replaced, but some would be happy with defeat, as long as we didn't get a spanking.

Now, I make a lot of reference to get spanked and maybe I need to sit down with someone and explore that, but maybe it's just that if I expect it and it doesn't happen, I'm happy. But that's from my days at school. I'm not going to be happy with defeat or a draw today, the only thing that will make me happy is three points.

And as our CEO recently told us, it doesn't take four seasons to make it happen and this is the managers third season. It's going to happen one day.

Updates and all that

So, with just three hours to kick off, we're at that place where anything could happen, but lets have a look at a few key statistics, with a hat tip to the BBC.

• Villa are vying to register successive home wins for the first time since March.
• They have lost half of their last 60 home games in the Premier League and only averaged a point per game at Villa Park during that run (W15, D15, L30).
• Their tally of 10 goals this season is the lowest in the top four divisions, and their lowest in the top flight after 16 matches.
• Aston Villa have failed to score in half of their 16 matches this season; since Paul Lambert took charge in 2012, they have not managed a goal in 36 of their 92 Premier League fixtures - more than any other team.
• Lambert's side have the same record as they did at this stage of last season: W5, D4, L7.

We'll have team news in a couple of hours or so by which time there is every chance I'll be very optimistic about today, but I think you all know why.